When a child experiences loss, it’s challenging to know what they’re feeling and how to comfort them, mainly due to not experiencing grief the same way adults do. Children do go through the five stages of grief; however, they don’t go through them in stages or at all in a step-by-step way. Children don’t understand the concept of death, and because of this, it can be hard to explain why someone isn’t coming back. As children mature and come to understand what the death of their loved one means and the implications of them being gone, it can cause them not only to grieve their loved one’s memory but also grieve what could have been and the memories that could’ve been made. Despite children not experiencing the five stages of grief the same way, it’s essential to understand these stages to support them properly.

Understanding the Stages of Grief

When thinking about grief, something that often comes to mind is the proclaimed “5 stages of grief” that everyone goes through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, a common misconception is that everyone grieves in those stages and in that order. 

The five stages of grief weren’t associated initially with people grieving the loss of a loved one.   Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross invented the five stages of grief after working with terminally ill patients; the five stages of grief were emotions she observed these patients experiencing as they came to terms with their illness and death. However, despite not being initially intended for those experiencing the loss of a loved one, many grievers found the stages helpful and resonated with them. The five stages of grief then gained popularity and were normalized as a way to deal with loss and grief. The biggest issue with the five stages of grief is the misconception that someone experiences them in that order and, once through a stage, never repeats it. Children are especially prone to dealing with the five stages of grief erratically and repetitively.

What Are The Stages of Grief In Children?

Denial

In children, especially young children, denial is a common reaction to the loss of a loved one. Children don’t understand the concept of death, and due to this, they don’t grasp that their loved one isn’t coming back. Denial in children can be them having little to no emotional reaction to their death, asking when their loved one is coming home, mistaking strangers for their loved one, and avoiding acknowledging their death. For most children, this is how their brains protect them, and they will move past it once they’re ready.

Anger

For children, the stage of anger oftentimes presents itself through tantrums, getting into arguments, expressing outrage at god for their loved one’s passing, anger towards their passed loved one for abandoning them, jealousy towards kids who seemingly haven’t experienced grief, blaming caregivers or doctors for not doing more to help, and being angry at themselves and feeling guilty or ashamed about what they’re feeling and how they’re coping. Children will oftentimes irrationally think that they are at fault for their loved ones' passing. It’s essential to reassure your child that nothing they said or did affected their loved one’s passing.

Bargaining

When you think about bargaining, you think of a trade-off. In contrast, grieving bargaining can take the form of attempting to be the perfect child, considering that in exchange, no one else will leave or die, repeating interactions they had with their loved ones, and mulling over what they wish they would’ve done differently and thinking about what ifs. As the name suggests, it can also be in the literal sense of bargaining with god to bring back their passed loved one. These thoughts can be hard to spot in children, and It’s essential to help your child by reminding them that these thoughts are normal and not a sign that they did anything wrong.

Depression

Depression is a common and even expected part of grieving; however, experiencing depression while grieving doesn’t mean that they have a mental illness such as Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). Sadness in grieving is an integral part of the grieving process, and most children will work through their feelings in time. Depression in children can show itself through them not wanting to participate in activities they used to enjoy, changes in habits, self-isolation, frequent crying, and headaches or stomach aches. Depression is a normal part of the grieving process. However, if your child starts showing signs of self-harm, shares thoughts of suicide, or tells you repeatedly that they want to join their loved one, you should consider contacting a child psychiatrist or your child’s pediatrician.

Acceptance

Acceptance is accepting that their loved one isn’t coming back. Acceptance doesn’t mean that they’re over it or even okay. A child can be in acceptance and still be angry, depressed, and grieving. Reaching acceptance means that they acknowledge that it happened and what that means for the future. After reaching acceptance, children will hopefully start to adjust to life without their loved ones and get better, even while still experiencing grief.

Why Do Children Grieve Differently Than Adults?

With children, grief is tough to deal with due to lacking understanding of what it means and having the emotional bandwidth to properly deal with it healthily. Children coping with loss can be jarring as one second, they could be playing happily, seemingly without a care in the world, and the next, sobbing and asking for someone who isn’t coming back and vice versa. The reason for this is that when experiencing grief, children’s brains oftentimes find ways to protect them from emotions they aren’t ready for. This often happens by having them not acknowledge them until they’re ready or only feeling them for brief periods of time when their brains deem them emotionally prepared.

How To Support Your Children Through the Stages of Grief

• Acknowledge they’re experiencing grief

When children are grieving, it’s essential to acknowledge that their feelings are authentic and valid; they’re not selfish for being upset or angry. Children can often feel selfish and experience self-loathing because they think they shouldn’t feel the way they do and their feelings aren’t justified or important. Remind them as often as needed that their feelings are ok, but set appropriate boundaries around any unhelpful behavior.

• Be present

Simply put, being present with your child helps your child know you love and care for them. It’s essential to be a safe and consistent presence while they’re grieving. Becoming withdrawn can be detrimental and cause your child to blame themselves. Ask for support for you and your child if you’re struggling with grief as well.

• Focus on the basics

A routine, plenty of rest, water, and lots of nutritious food can go a long way toward supporting a grieving child. Extra naps or quiet times and a regular bedtime can also help your child deal with the physical effects of grief.

• Reminisce memories

Children can struggle to express their feelings and grief; reminiscing about memories with their loved ones and how they were and acknowledging that you miss them as well can help create a safe place for your child to grieve and express their feelings.