How to Properly Grieve: Causes, Processing, & When to Seek Help

Grief is an inescapable part of the human experience, touching our lives with the same certainty as joy and love. Yet, despite its universality, navigating the turbulent waters of grief remains one of life's most challenging journeys. It’s a deeply personal and often misunderstood process shaped by individual experiences, relationships, and contexts. Understanding grief—its causes, how to process it healthily, and differentiating it from other emotions—is crucial not just for those directly affected but for anyone supporting someone through their grief process. While grief may be the price we pay for having connected deeply with others, it can also offer a path to profound growth and understanding.

What are the Types and Causes of Grief?

Grief is the emotional response to loss, encompassing a range of feelings from deep sadness to anger, and can affect our physical health, daily behavior, and overall outlook on life. It's important to recognize that grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience; it manifests in various forms, influenced by the relationship to what was lost and individual coping mechanisms.

Types of Grief

• Anticipatory Grief: The grief experienced before the actual loss, often felt in the context of a loved one's terminal illness.

• Normal Grief: The common emotional, physical, and social reactions following a loss, typically marked by stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

• Complicated Grief: Also known as persistent complex bereavement disorder, this is when feelings of loss are debilitating and don't improve even after time passes.

• Disenfranchised Grief: Grief that is not acknowledged by society, such as the loss of a pet or an ostracized figure.

• Cumulative Grief: The experience of multiple losses in a short period, which can overwhelm an individual's ability to cope.

• Delayed Grief: This type of grief occurs when the full impact of a loss is not felt immediately after the loss happens. The grieving process may be postponed due to various factors, such as needing to be strong for others, shock, or not having the emotional space to process the loss at the time. The grief may surface weeks, months, or even years later, often triggered by a separate event or sometimes seemingly out of nowhere.

Causes of Grief

The causes of grief can extend beyond the passing of a loved one. They can include the loss of a job or career, the end of a significant relationship, major changes in health or abilities, and the loss of a cherished dream or goal. Even positive changes can trigger grief over what’s left behind, like moving to a new city or starting a new job. Understanding grief's diverse types and causes is the first step in acknowledging and validating the complex emotions involved. It's a reminder that grief is a normal, albeit difficult, part of life's experiences, and there's no "right" way to grieve.

How to Process Grief Properly

Processing grief is a deeply personal journey, one that unfolds in its own time and often in unexpected ways. While there is no universal blueprint for how to deal with grief, there are constructive steps you can take to facilitate healing and find your way back to a sense of normalcy. Here are six strategies to help you process your grief properly:

Acknowledge Your Grief

The first step in healing is acknowledging the presence of grief. It's important to recognize your loss and understand that it's okay to grieve. Trying to ignore your pain or push it away can prolong the grieving process.

Express Emotions

Grief comes with a myriad of emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion are just a few. Expressing these emotions is crucial. Whether it's through talking to someone you trust, writing in a journal, or engaging in creative activities like art or music, find an outlet for your feelings.

Self-Care

Taking care of your physical and emotional needs is essential during this time. Prioritize activities that nurture your well-being, such as eating healthy meals, getting enough sleep, and engaging in physical exercise. Remember, it's okay to take time for yourself and it's okay to not be okay.

Seek Support

You don't have to go through grief alone. Lean on friends and family for support. Consider joining a support group where you can connect with others who are going through similar experiences. Sharing your feelings with those who understand can be incredibly healing.

Rituals and Memorials

Creating rituals or holding memorials can offer a way to honor your loss and express your grief. It could be something traditional, like a funeral or memorial service, or something more personal, like planting a tree or creating a scrapbook.

Patience with the Process

Grief doesn't adhere to a timeline. It's important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold naturally. Be gentle with yourself and recognize that healing takes time.

Processing grief properly involves a combination of acknowledging your emotions, taking care of yourself, seeking support, and finding ways to express and honor your loss. Each person's journey is unique, but through these steps, you can find a path toward healing and, eventually, peace.

Differentiating Grief from Other Emotions

Grief often intertwines with various emotions, making it complex and sometimes confusing. Understanding how grief differs from other emotional states can help in recognizing when your feelings are part of the grieving process or indicative of another issue that may require additional support.

Grief vs Mourning

Grief is the internal feeling of loss, the deep emotional response triggered by the loss of a loved one or a significant life change. It encompasses a wide range of feelings, from deep sadness to anger or guilt.

Mourning is the external expression of grief, the actions and rituals a culture prescribes for dealing with loss, such as funerals, wearing black, or other public displays of sorrow. Mourning practices vary greatly across different cultures but serve a universal need to process and publicly acknowledge loss.

Grief vs Sadness

Sadness is a normal human emotion that everyone encounters at various points in their lives, often triggered by difficult or unhappy experiences. While it can be profound and deeply felt, sadness is usually temporary and fades with time.

Grief, while it includes sadness, is more encompassing and complex, related specifically to loss. It involves a variety of emotions and can lead to significant changes in a person's life and sense of self.

Grief vs Depression

Depression is a diagnosable mental health condition characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, worthlessness, and a lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities. It affects how a person feels, thinks, and handles daily activities.

Grief shares some symptoms with depression, such as profound sadness and withdrawal from usual activities. However, grief-related feelings typically decrease in intensity over time and are interspersed with positive memories of the departed. In contrast, depression tends to be more constant and can impair functional ability.

Grief vs PTSD

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition triggered by witnessing or experiencing a terrifying event. Symptoms include flashbacks, severe anxiety, and uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Grief, especially after a sudden or traumatic loss, can trigger symptoms similar to PTSD, such as intrusive thoughts or nightmares about the loss. However, PTSD involves intense fear, helplessness, or horror related to the traumatic event, not just sadness or longing associated with grief.

Grief vs Adjustment Disorder

Adjustment Disorder is a response to a significant life change or stressor, causing symptoms of depression and anxiety that are distressing and impair daily functioning. It is typically diagnosed when an individual's reaction to an event is more intense or prolonged than would normally be expected.

Grief can precipitate an adjustment disorder, especially if the loss significantly alters one's life. However, grief itself is a normal response to loss, not a pathological condition, and does not always lead to an adjustment disorder.

Differentiating grief from other emotional states is crucial for understanding your own emotions and for seeking the appropriate type of support when needed. Recognizing when feelings of grief are evolving into something else can guide you toward healing and, if necessary, professional help.

How Long Should the Grieving Process Last?

The duration of the grieving process is a deeply personal matter, varying greatly from person to person and even from one loss to another for the same individual. There's no "normal" timeline for grief, and the idea that one should be over their grief in a set period—such as one year—is a myth that can add unnecessary pressure to those who are grieving.

Understanding Grief's Timeline

• Varied Duration: For some, the intense pain of loss begins to fade within weeks to months, allowing them to find a way to continue with their lives. For others, the grieving process may last years, with the intensity of emotions waxing and waning over time.

• Anniversaries and Reminders: It's common for certain dates, holidays, or reminders to trigger renewed feelings of grief, even years after the loss. These moments are a natural part of the grieving process and signify not a setback but an ongoing connection to the loved one or the object of grief.

• Healing is Not Linear: It's important to understand that the process of grieving is not linear. You may experience periods of intense sadness followed by times of relative peace, only to find yourself back in the depths of grief. This ebb and flow is a normal part of healing.

• No Timeline for Love: The length of the grieving process is also a reflection of the depth of the relationship with what was lost. There's no timeline for love, and as such, no timeline for how long you "should" grieve. Grief lasts as long as it needs to, and the goal is not to erase the pain of loss but to learn how to live with it and eventually find a way to move forward.

When to Seek Help for Dealing with Grief

While grief is a normal response to loss, there are times when it can become overwhelming, leading to complications that require professional support.

Signs You May Need Extra Support

• Prolonged Intense Grief: If intense feelings of despair, anger, or guilt persist without any signs of relief, it may be time to seek help.

• Life Impairment: If grief is interfering with your ability to perform daily tasks, maintain relationships, or take care of yourself, these are signs that professional support could be beneficial.

• Depressive Symptoms: Feelings of worthlessness, intense and prolonged depression, and thoughts of suicide are serious and warrant immediate professional intervention.

Seeking Professional Help

• Counseling or Therapy: A mental health professional specializing in grief counseling can provide strategies to manage your grief more effectively and help you navigate the complex emotions associated with loss.

• Support Groups: Joining a support group can connect you with others who have experienced similar losses, providing a sense of community and mutual understanding.

• Medication: In some cases, particularly if grief has led to clinical depression, medication may be prescribed in conjunction with therapy.

It's important to remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Acknowledging that you need support is a crucial step towards healing and finding a new way to carry your loss.
While we never fully get over losing a loved one, facing our grief and allowing ourselves to process the associated feelings and emotions can help us rediscover the joy in our lives once again.